I Hate Pie, but Here’s My Apple Pie Recipe (You’re Welcome)

Written By elizabeth campbell

Listen, I’ll be the first to admit it: I don’t even like pie. That’s right. I’m the monster who would rather eat a cardboard-flavored protein bar than a flaky, buttery slice of America’s favorite dessert. But sometimes, love makes us do ridiculous things—like peeling apples, grinding allspice, and baking a pie I’ll never eat for the people I do like.

Cue the violins.

The Blood, Sweat, and Tears of Baking This Pie

Let’s start with the apples. You’ll need about six of them—preferably Granny Smiths or whatever’s cheapest at the store because who are we kidding? Peel them carefully (or not), but don’t say I didn’t warn you about losing a fingertip or two. I personally like to add a touch of danger to my baking routine, which is why I’ve become the proud wearer of two hot pink welly bandaids.

While you’re cursing your life choices and questioning the existence of peelers that don’t double as murder weapons, grind your own allspice for that artisanal vibe. It’s not like anyone will notice, but you’ll know. And nothing pairs better with a DIY spice session than binge-watching Gossip Girl. Because nothing says “homemade with love” like Chuck Bass’s questionable morals in the background.

The Recipe (For Those of You Who Are Still Here)

Ingredients

  • 10 apples- (pink lady, Figi, honey crisp) peeled, cored, and sliced (blood optional)

  • 1/4 cup (31g) ap flour

  • 1/4 cup (100g) packed brown sugar

  • 2 tsp ground cinnamon

  • 1/2 tsp ground nutmeg

  • 1/4 tsp ground allspice (preferably self-ground because you’re fancy)

  • 1 tbsp lemon juice

  • 2 tbsp unsalted butter

  • 1 package of pre-made pie crust (because life is too short for homemade dough)

  • 1 egg, beaten, for that golden crust (or skip it if you’re feeling lazy)

Instructions

  1. Preheat your oven to 375°F (or whatever your smoke detector decides).

  2. In a bowl, mix the apples with flour, brown sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, and lemon juice. Let them sit and ponder their life choices for 10 minutes.

  3. Sauté the apple mixture with the butter for 5 minutes, then set aside to cool (preferably not in your pet’s favorite spot).

  4. Roll out one pie crust to make it a bit thinner and fit it into a 9-inch pie dish. Dump in the apple mixture and give it a nice, cozy home.

  5. Roll out the second crust extra thin, then using a pizza cutter (or an unsuspectingly sharp knife), cut it into 1” wide strips.

  6. Lay 6 strips across the pie like a fanciful pie sweater, then gently fold up every other strip (you know, to create a ruffled effect). Rotate the pie and repeat…or, embrace your inner sloth and just place the whole second crust on top; crimp it and cut some steam slits.

  7. Brush the crust with beaten egg (remember: we’re not painting a masterpiece here) and bake for 25 minutes. After that, reduce the temp to 375°F and bake for another 40-50 minutes until it’s golden, bubbly, and delicious.

    *If you have a crust guard, use it at the temperature change; if not, you can always fashion one from aluminum foil like a culinary MacGyver.

    *Experiment with different apple varieties because each choice might dramatically change the flavor profile…or not. Your call, Chef.

    *And for the love of pie, please don’t cut yourself! (corny I know)

Pie, but Make It (Reluctantly) Yours

I may not like pie, but the people I tolerate seem to think this one’s a hit. So, slice it up, serve it with a smug grin, and let everyone believe you’re a domestic god/goddess. Just don’t tell them you were rewatching Gossip Girl while their “favorite dessert” came to life.

XOXO, Apple Pie Hater

elizabeth campbell
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